Chapter Two: My Tall Beefy Friend

I turned the keys toward myself, shutting of the engine; I left the doors closed so that the song would finish playing. Closing my eyes and resting my head back against the seat’s headrest. I drummed my fingers on my thigh, along with the drum beat in the country music. I let let my mind wander, promising myself that it was only until the end of this one song.

How in the hell am I going to go through the whole day that close to him?  How did I do this before? Oh yeah, that’s right.  I ignored him before. How do I make it through the classes that I have with him?  I mean, we are friends;he will most likely sit next to me. Now, don't get me wrong, I would like nothing more than to sit next to the boy in every single on of my classes, but I don't have the best self control. I can't contain my thoughts around him, and sometime I have to walk away from the group because I am about to jump my sisters to-sexy-to-be-legal boyfriend.

He had joined the small circle of friends that Bella and I hang out with right after all of us met him officially. How do I keep up this Façade? How do I keep lying to everyone I care about? It hurts my heart so much to even think about him, how do I make it through classes with him less than a three feet from me?  It so painful for me to see him, knowing he can’t be mine.  It feels like someone is using white hot fire to rip holes through my chest.  How do I do this? How do I get out of the car? How do I face him?

Oh god, I thought, I can’t do this. I should just turn around and drive home, tell Charlie I can't go to school. I could fake appendicitis.

I took a few deep calming breaths before I finally stepped out of my car. I pressed my door shut and slug my pack over my shoulder.  Turning I stepped up to the Volvo that was only a few parking spaces away from mine. My best friend, Emmet, was leaning against the shiny silver drivers’ side of the car that was owned by the man who had single handedly turned my entire life on its ass. In most cases, Em standing there with him would have been a betrayal, but no one actually knew why I had done a complete three-sixty in the past few months. He was our friend now, anyway.

I gave them both a weak smile and a nod as I tried to keep walking passed without stopping. Apparently Emmet had other ideas because I didn’t make it more than three steps before I felt Emmet’s meaty arms wrap around my waist.  I tensed my body and tried to regain my balance as he pushed me in the direction of the stupid shiny Volvo owner.

I knew that Emmet didn’t do this as a mean gesture; he did it being the roughhousing playful guy that he always has been, and with any luck always will be. I'm not sure if that luck is good luck or bad luck though. This knowledge didn’t stop me, however from calling Em every mean, vulgar, and slash or derogatory name that I could think of at the top of my voice, inside my head. I saw a set of skinnier, yet still perfectly muscled, arms jet out and I felt them curl around my torso in a protective manner.  I knew he was trying to keep me from slipping on the rain slicked concrete that we call our section sidewalk, but he was much, much to close me. I righted my self as quickly as possible and I stepped out of his protective embrace.

I don’t care how right, how whole, I feel in his arms.  I shouldn’t be there, ever. I couldn’t do that to my sister.  I could never, ever, hurt her like that.  So, I will always stand to his side. I will be his friend, his support system. I will be the person he complains to, or the friend he depends on.  I’ll be what ever he wants me to be, for as long as I can.  It is better to have him in my life, than to not have him at all.

I leaned against the car a little bit harder than I meant to, causing it to shake slightly. I kept my head down, staring at the feet and pant legs that were still in my vision as I rested against the car door. I saw the feet shuffle toward me slightly seconds before I felt a gentle hand on my shoulder. I relaxed at the touch of his hand, before tensing again. The pressure was so light, though, that I wasn’t even sure if it was really there or not until I looked up. I took a breath, letting my dull gray eyes meet the fierce green that tormented me in my dreams, taunting me with what I would never have. Him. Edward.

I nodded to him, trying to convey that I was alright; that what Em had done was all in good fun. It was also an effort to get him to remove his hand from my shoulder. I let out a breath that seemed a lot like a content sigh, even though I hoped other took it as an annoyed one. I started to panic slightly because he wasn’t moving his hand. He was still touching me. He needed to move his hand away from me. I can't take it when he touches me. It is to much to bare. It's to confusing for me, since my body fights with my head between my hidden feeling for Edward and my loyalty and love for my sister. I only have so much self control, he needed to remove his hand.

I could feel the air around us changing, thickening with some complicated emotions that weren't just mine.  I could also feel the people staring this way. Looking at me; looking at Edward. Wondering what was going on. I knew Emmet was among the people staring, and it was really saying something if Emmet noticed the change from concerned feelings to just plain awkward feelings that had settled around Edward and I.

I closed my eyes and took a step back letting out the breath I was holding. I turned, preparing to lay into Emmet for the playful push. I knew that it would help with the damage control with the feeling that had settled and it would make the onlookers dismiss the strange vibes as a fluke.  I narrowed my eyes at my tall beefy friend, and smirked.  He knew I wasn’t going to let him pull that shit; I never let him get away with that shit. 

He seemed to catch onto my game, as he smiled brightly.  I ran straight for him, and caught him around the middle. I knew he let me knock him down; he was one of the biggest strongest guy on the football team. He fell to the grass with a mild thud and I fell slightly more gracefully to his side.  I looked over at him to make sure there that I hadn't actually hurt him with my playful tackle. I didn't see any pain playing across his face but the expressions I did see there worried me slightly. He was looking over at me with a mixture of pride, confusion, and the one thing I did not want to see on anyone's face right now, knowing. He had FUCKING KNOWING written all over his face. He had laid a few more pieces of the jigsaw puzzle that I had created into the right spots.

I felt the playful expression slowly drip off of my face. I wanted to crawl into a whole and die. I wanted Hades to open up a door to the under world so that I could hurl myself into it.  I was so embarrassed that Emmet could possible know what has been going on inside my head.  More that embarrassed actually, but there isn’t a word that describes how bad this feels.  I knew I was going to have to talk him about what was going on, I knew I need to talk to somebody. I can't keep these feelings bottled up for very much longer. I was worried about what he would think about me after we talked.  I wondered if he would be alright with the fact that I obviously like guys now, or worse if he would be repulsed by my choice, or worse still, be repulsed by me. 

I stood quickly, offering my hand to Emmet.  He reached up grabbing it a little to firmly for it to just be a way for pulling himself up. That and the look in his eyes told me that I was going to have to tell him what was up, and soon. I pulled on his arm, getting him to his feet. He had been hounding me since my birthday, trying to get me to talk to him about what was going on. I made the decision to talk to Emmet after school, today. I knew I could trust Emmet with this information, but I was so scared to be looked at like a freak.  I didn’t want to see the silent disgust in his eyes. In anyone’s eyes.

I closed my eyes as I nodding to him. It was my silent I know, man. We will talk. I felt that familiar burning in my chest that always shows up right before you have that final breakdown. That last huge meltdown before you tell whoever is with you, at the time, everything that is going on inside your head. It doesn’t matter who they are, as long as they listen and tell you that you were going to be alright, even if that was a lie.  I feared that moment almost as much as I wished it could come sooner.  I was never one to be stuck in my head, but now, it seems like that is the only place I am.

I painted a smile on my face as I walked past Emmet heading into the school.  I didn’t even bother to look around. I didn’t look at Edward on my way to the doors.  I didn’t pay attention to where I was walking.  I didn’t even look up from the floor until I felt the left side of my body make contact with something that seemed to be mostly solid. My head snapped up.

I looked around and my eyes met the flat blue eyes of Tyler Crowley. I put my right arm over my left shoulder to try to sooth the dull ache that the collision had cause.  When I looked up I saw that Tyler had struck a position similar to mine but with his hand to his chin, which is what I assume hit my shoulder. I immediately felt bad for not paying closer attention to where I was going.

“ Tyler , I’m sorry. I wasn’t watching where I was going. I have a lot on my mind. I’m sorry, are you alright?”  My words came out in an annoyed yet still apologetic rush. I was actually sorry for bumping into him, but I knew he wasn’t really hurt.  He was on the football team, along with Emmet and a few other guys I hang with, he gets knocked onto the ground my guys bigger than me almost everyday of the week.

Ty was a decent looking junior. He had blonde hair that was always cut short. He was a little bit shorter than I was, but he had way more muscles than me. His mother was white, and he never knew his father. He often joked about the only think that he knew about his dad was that he was a black guy. I knew he covered up a lot of hurt by making jokes, but he was a great guy. He was dating Bella's friend Angela.

He gave me a slight nod before he turned back to his locker and continued to pile in his school books and notebooks into it. I saw him bring out his football stuff. He took care putting in his helmet, jersey, and other football paraphernalia. He glanced back over at me, a smirk on his lips. I nodded back to him and started off toward my locker again, smiling slightly to myself. I was glad that my literal run-in with Ty brightened my day slightly.

I was still walking from memory, but I paid closer attention to what and who was going on around me. It wasn't much, people buzzing about their Christmas vacations. Some students talking about the gifts they had given, others gloating about what they had gotten. Just the usual normal post-Christmas topics.

As soon as I reached the nasty blue piece of metal that everyone called 'Jasper's Locker.' The dented door even had a brightly decorated piece of paper with the words in bold print taped to it. Bella had made it for me in Art last semester. I went to work on the spin dial attached to the front. 4-8-15. I removed the locke from the handle and lifted the small tarnished silver piece and pulled open the door. The metallic screech echoed down the hall, just like it did every other morning and on every other locker.

I dropped my bag pack on the ground at my feet and shucked my jacket, I hung it in the top half of my locker carefully. I worked hard to get my letter jacket. I received my varsity letter halfway through my freshmen year. I was also asked to run varsity for the track team then as well. Running was one of the things that always came easy to me. I loved to run. It gave me time to clear my head, or to obsess over something uninterrupted for however long I was running for. That was because it isn't very easy to talk to someone when you are running. Pulling my books and my binder out of my bag I traded them into the rectangular storage space for the things I was going need for first and second hour. With my hand ready to slam the door shut I looked over the neatly stacked rows of books that were on three shelves that I spend 15 dollars a piece for. I stood staring into the locker with my head tilted toward my left shoulder, my right hand on the door. I was trying to decide if I would need to take anything else with me to class. I grabbed my sketch book and pencil bag with my charcoal stick and kneading eraser then I slammed the metal door shut.

I turned to walk down the hall to Advanced Literature, but Bella was standing in my way. I smiled at her, trying to figure out why she was standing directly in my path. She was looking at me with the strangest expression on her face; I could see the tears threatening to fill up her big brown innocent eyes. I felt the smile slip from my mouth as I began to worry that something was going on. Whatever this was about it most assuredly was not going to be a good thing.

“Hey Sis.” I said as I tried to walk around her but Emmet quickly stepped up to her right side, effectively blocking my way around her. I sighed, and moved to walk around the both of them, knowing that I wouldn't be able to get by. I knew that they wanted me to talk to them, and I really didn’t want to. I didn't want to talk in the middle of the crowded hallway. I made it two whole steps before Edward was standing in front of me, shoulder to shoulder with Emmet. He was only a few inches away from me. If we both took a deep breath I am positive that our chests would touch. He was much to close to me, for the second time today. My breath caught in my lungs and I took a step back. I was trying to put as much distance between the myself and Edward as possible. Alice and Peter stepped up to my other side blocking the exit to my right as well. The way they were standing, they formed a semi-circle around the front of me with the wall and some lockers were to my back.

My eyes whirled around in their sockets as I tried to find an exit. He was to close; much, much to close, for the second time in less than 20 minutes. His scent was suffocating me, and I was enjoying it way to much. As I looked around, my friends pressed in on me, getting closer to me. I had my back pressed against the lockers, and they were surrounding me, still moving forward slightly.

Talk about a fucking intervention.

I stuck my tongue out at the lot of them. It was a stupid and childish thing to do, I know, but I had to do something. I could tell Emmet felt bad for this, he knew that whatever I was keeping to myself was something that I didn’t want everyone to know. He also knew that if he told them that I agreed to talk to him, they would all want to be there. He wouldn’t meet my eyes but I could see the apology in his face. I saw that going through Emmet was the best way out that I had, the only way out that I had. I didn’t take it.

I know I must have worried them all with my sudden change in behavior, but was all this really necessary? Was this the best way to go about getting me to talk to them? Trapping me in the middle of a crowded hallway 10 minutes before first period? I wonder if they’d beat the information out of me, like in the movies. Okay. That last thought was totally random. I’ve been spending way to much time inside my head for way to long. I know there has been times when each of them has wanted to punch my lights out, but they does not mean they actually did it. We were all friends.

I waited for them to make the first move. I didn’t have to wait very long before Peter started shifting uncomfortably. He would be the first to talk. I loved Pete like a brother, but he was so predictable. It was always so easy for me to tell what or how he was feeling. I didn't even have to see him, I could tell how he was feeling over the phone. It didn't hurt that I knew he didn't do so well under pressure.

“Jasper,” Peter started, “We know something is up. We all had decided to give you time to deal with it or for you come to one of us, or someone else, but you haven’t. You haven't come to any one. We’re really worried man.” I heard the concern. I heard the determination. I heard him telling me that he didn’t care what was wrong, just that I was alright. I shook my head and my shoulders sagged. I’m scarring them. I am worrying them. This is my fault. I am making them feel this way.

“I know. I’m sorry. I…” and that was all I got out before Alice piqued up in her high pitch pixie voice. “Look, Jasper, it’s not like you’ve suddenly turned gay and are in love with a man. It isn't anything that will change the way we see you. Just tell us what the fuck has you so wrapped up inside that god damn head of yours. What are you thinking about that has kept you from having a real conversation with anyone in months? We all love you Jasper. Talk to us.” I was frozen; eyes open wide, like a deer caught in headlights. I couldn't move anything in my body for a few moments. I was stuck, eyes open, mouth gaping just staring at Alice. Two things from Alice ’s speedy rant had stuck in my head. ‘it’s not like you’ve suddenly turned gay…’ It played over and over in my already overwhelmed mind, ‘...in love with a man.'

“We all still love you Jasper. Just please, are you alright? Please tell us that you are alright.” Bella’s voice was shaky the entire time she was speaking; her voice broke and hitched in several places. I looked into her dark brown eyes. I couldn’t lie to her anymore, but I couldn’t tell her the truth either. Not right here, not like this, and not the whole truth. It broke my heart to see the tears swimming in her eyes, knowing that I made her feel like this. I can’t do this to her. I can’t hurt her anymore than I already have.

“I have to get to class.” I said as I pushed threw their ranks. Emmet didn’t put up a fight about letting me by; I bumped into him, so that he knew to follow. At least I hope he knew to follow. Okay, I really, really, hope he took the hint to follow me, because I sure as fuck was not going to Advanced Lit anymore.

I heard a strangled sob come from behind me. I didn’t have to turn around to see who it came from; I already knew. It was my sister, my best friend, my closest family, Bella. She had Alice there, and Peter. She has Edward. As soon as I thought it I knew I had acted worse toward her than I realized. I could hear the anger and jealousy come across in just my thoughts, how much did it show in my words and my actions? I hadn't even realized that I was that jealous of her.

I felt the first tear break over the brim of my eye as I picked up my pace. I didn’t care who I ran into, or who I made drop their things. I didn’t care about anything except getting the hell away from here. Away from this pain. Away from these people. Away from Edward.

I pushed the black doors that lead toward the track open. I dropped my books, papers, and my sketchbook as soon as I was away from the sea of people, right before I really took off running. I knew I was fast. I had been on track my entire high school and middle school careers. I ran endurance, and I ran sprints. Running was the best way I knew how to clear my head, and on the track you barely even have to keep your eyes open.

I didn’t slow down until I could no longer pull air into my lungs. Between the run, and the sobs breaking from my chest, I wasn’t getting enough air to go any farther. Hell, I wasn’t getting enough air to stand any longer. I sank to my knees slowly, gasping for breath. I covered my face with my arms as I tried to just make myself so small that I didn’t exist anymore. I was trying to shrink out of the world. It wasn't working.

Still the overwhelming hurt was there, in my chest, my heart, my head, my entire body hurt. Why does it feel like this? Why do I have to feel like this? What the hell is wrong with me? I thought as I kept struggling to breathe. Why can’t things just go back to the way they were before? Why do I feel this way?

I don’t know how long I stayed wrapped in on myself in that tiny ball, but eventually the clouds let go of the rain, and the cool water mixed with the salty tears that streaked down my face, until you couldn’t tell the difference between them anymore. I rolled from my knees onto my side, staying curled in onto myself, when I heard the sloshing of footsteps coming toward me over the always wet grass of the football field.

My shaking sobs still didn’t let up; finally after months of feeling like this on the inside, the feelings are breaking apart my defensive walls and showing through to my outside. The heart break, the pathetic-mess that I had been, the feelings of worthlessness and betrayal were catching up to me and being shown to whoever cared to look. They were to strong for me to bottle up anymore; to strong for me to control. And so I kept crying.

I heard Emmet’s voice speaking to me, but I couldn’t make out what he was saying. He came around to where my face was, and he knelt down slowly. He reached his hand to my shoulder and shook me slightly. This help me come back to myself enough to meet his gaze; his expression was one of understanding, of acceptance, and of apology. “ Alice was wrong wasn’t she?” he said it as more of a statement than a question and he kept his voice even. His concern for me was still evident in the way he spoke; so was his anger at Alice.

My chest tightened at his words, and I tried so hard to ignore the way it felt. Emmet kept his eyes on me for a moment, then he seemed to snap back to himself. He pulled his coat off and laid it over my shoulders. Until then I hadn't realized how cold it had gotten outside, how cold I had gotten. The rain had soaked its way through all my clothes, and I was shaking from both cold and the effort it was still taking me to pull air into my lungs. I sat up slowly, relying mostly on Em’s help, realizing that my muscles were sore and achy from laying one way in the cold and rain for so long.

My clothes clung to my body because of the water they were soaked through with and the mud that was splattered all over my left side and the front from where they had been on the ground. I grimaced as I felt the fabric scratch against my sensitive skin. I looked up into Emmet’s face. He pulled me to my feet and helped me get to the edge of the field. The sobs had mostly subsided by the time we got to the edge of the bleachers.

We stumbled through the door to the boys locker rooms. It was a relief to get out of the cold and the rain, but on some level, being in here terrified me. I’d spent so much time in here getting ready for track practice, showering after practice, and during P.E. This room always brought be a level of comfort before, but now everything felt too crammed together. I sighed as Emmet helped me sit on the bench nearest the door. He looked down at my wet clothes again and walked back toward the coach’s office.

I glanced at the clock. Noon. Three hours until Forks High let out. I pulled my eyes away from the ticking of second hand as I heard Emmet coming back. I felt more that heard him sit down beside me. When I looked over to him he was holding a folded towel and what looked like some dry sweats for me to change into. I smiled my thanks, as I closed my eyes trying to escape the chaos that my world had become.

I took a few deep breaths, and thought about looking down at my muddied clothes. I knew that there was mud and dirt in my hair, on my face, and covering my arms, but I didn’t was to see how bad it was. I grimaced and opened my eyes again looking back over at Emmet and smiling at him. I hope that he understood at least some of the things that I was trying to tell him in that smile. I wasn't completely sure what I was trying to tell him, but I think he understood.

I stood slowly, seeing Em’s hands hovering around me, as if I was going to fall down. I might have fallen had it not been for the bench pressed against my calves. I was so weak, so tired, so overwhelmed. This is why Emmet was my best friend. He was always there for me when I needed him. He watched out for me. He was a great guy, happy, understanding, caring, everything you would ever want or need in a best friend. I loved him for that. I took the clothes from him and made my way over to the showers.

**

Back in the locker area, Emmet was looking at me expectantly. I noticed that he had put on a pair of the same gray sweats that he had got for me. He must have been out there just as long as I was. I smile at him. I wasn’t entirely ready to talk right now, but I knew that I would be soon. I did not want to spill my guts to Emmet about liking guys while we were in the Boy’s Locker Room. There were to many possibilities for that to be turned into a joke. I was going to talk to him, but not in a room that smelled sweaty socks and jock strap.

I glanced around quickly before I met his eyes, “Let’s go back to mine, okay? Charlie is working late, and even then he usually goes over to Sue Clearwaters' on Mondays. Bella almost always goes over to...” My voice was hoarser then I would have thought, and I couldn’t even say his goddamn name without my throat closing and tears threatening to overtake me again. I just looked over at him, praying to any god that I could think of that he would understand the need that I had to just get away from the school altogether. I also prayed to Poseidon that he would understand the need to not have this conversation in the Locker Room.

He nodded, “I got ya, man. You want me to drive?” I just nodded. I was so glad that Emmet knew when it was time to be serious. That was another reason he was my very best friend.

I picked up my dripping wet jeans from the bench and fished out my car keys from the mud covered pocket. I tossed the keys to Em and I pulled my cell phone out of the back pocket and held it up. It was soaked, dripping water, and it wouldn’t even turn on. “Perfect. This is just fucking perfect.” I mumbled as I headed to the doors. I threw my wet clothes into a plastic bag and then followed Emmet back into the down pour of rain that was always present in Forks, Washington .

The walk to my car was silent, save for the splashing of our tennis shoes on the muddy grass. I kept my eyes down, and I focused on my feet, counting my steps in my head, and mouthing the numbers. I was trying to keep my head clear. I was trying to stay calm and keep myself from crying again. I knew that I would end up sobbing through my story with Emmet when we got back home, but for now I want to stay calm, cool, and collected, or at least as much as possible. I could feel Emmet’s eyes on me as I pulled open the passengers’ side door and climbed in.

I reached across my shoulder and grabbed the buckle so I could strap myself to the seat. As I clicked the belt Emmet angled himself into the car on the drivers’ side. He plugged the keys into the ignition and adjusted the mirrors and the seat, to accommodate his height. He looked down at the radio that was playing a love song. He quickly jammed his finger into the power button. I saw the huge smile spread across his face as he gave the silence of my car an approving nod of his head. I couldn’t help but smile in response.

He looked around, planting his right hand on the headrest of my seat. He looked out of the back window and slowly backed out of the parking spot without word. The short drive to my house was filled with a comfortable silence. The pitter-patter of the rain and the sound of the road were the only sounds that broke silence in the car. I was relieved that the silence wasn’t deafeningly loud. If it had been, I doubt that I would have made it all the way home. I would have told Emmet to go ahead with out me, and that I would walk.

We pulled up to my house and I started to climb out of the car. Emmet grabbed my arm handed me what I thought was a spiraled note book. As soon as I took it in my hand I saw that it was the sketchbook I had gotten out of my locker this morning. I felt the tears instantly spring to my eyes. They were partly from shame, thinking he had seen the drawings, and partly relief, glad that some random kid didn't pick it up and post copies of my sketches on the walls. I hugged it tightly to my chest and looked out the open door toward the house.

“I didn't look in it Jazz. I know your drawings are private.” he told me in a soft voice. I knew he was telling me the truth, but I didn't feel relieved. I sniffed once and nodded my head. I didn't know why his assuring me that he didn't look made me more sad and ashamed than thinking he had seen. I attributed it to me having more to explain to him when we got inside.

I still felt so ashamed that these sketches could have been put into somebody's not so trustful hands. A single sob broke through my chest, before I climbed out of the car in a daze. It was almost like I was in a trance; moving toward the door out of habit, and not by choice. My body knew I needed to get inside, to get to the living room at least. It was like I was an on-looker, watching the scene unfold before me. Em was standing at the door looking down at the mass of keys on my key ring. I stopped standing behind him and he handed the keys to me. I quickly pick up the all black one and thrust it into the lock. The sound of the lock unlatching seemed to be obscenely loud in the silence around us.

I stepped inside with Emmet right behind me. I walked through the kitchen and into the living room on auto pilot. Emmet called out to me from somewhere in the kitchen that sounded suspiciously like the fridge, “Jazz, man, you go get some normal clothes on, and I will make us some sandwiches.” I nodded to him as I headed up the stairs to change. I smiled at how predictable Emmet was when it came to food.

I opened the door to my bedroom and went straight to the dresser. I pulled out a dark gray T-shirt and a pair of black basketball shorts. I tossed them on the bed, and pulled open the top drawer to get a pair of underwear. Did I want boxer briefs or just normal boxers? I threw a black pair of boxer briefs onto the bed next to the other clothes. I pulled the sweatshirt that I had borrowed from the school over my head at the same time that I was toeing off my sopping wet tennis shoes. The pulled off the sweat pants and clumsily stepped out of the leg holes..

I looked around, suddenly having the strange feeling that someone was here watching me while I was butt ass naked, standing in the middle of my bedroom. I heard Em shut the fridge in the kitchen and I didn’t see anyone lurking in the dark shadows around the corners of my room so I continued on with the task of changing. I pulled my shirt over my head and threaded my arms through all the right holes. I looked around again; I was starting to feel a little paranoid. I pulled my boxer briefs and shorts on more quickly and slipped my feet into my slippers. What? Men wear slippers. I don’t like to wear shoes in the house, but I hate walking around bare foot even more.

I shut my door behind me and padded back down the stairs toward the living room to have my talk with Emmet. I was getting more and more nervous by the second, but I needed this. I flopped myself down on the couch, and I pulled my knees up to my chest. I wrapped my arms around them and rocked back and forth gently waiting for Emmet to come and join me.