Chapter One: Bubble Gum

How can his hair look so messy, like he just rolled out of bed, but still manage to look so soft and perfect? Why does the stubble on his face make me want to run my tongue along it to feel the rough perfection? Why is he so god damn gorgeous that sometimes I actually can’t focus on anything or anyone else in the room? Why does he have to be dating my sister?

I was brought out of my questioning revue when my sister sat down at the breakfast table with a bowl of Chex Mix. She had a big spoon and a tiny bowl that was full. She always ate that way. It was just how Bella worked. It was part of her quirky cute appeal. She was also already dressed for school today, jeans and a purple tank with a zipper hoodie tied around her waist.

Her dark brown hair that she usually wore down was pulled into a pony tail that hung just at her waist. Her skin was perfect and almost translucently pale. Her eyes were chocolate brown, and were slightly to large for her face but that only made them seem more innocent. I knew what all of the guys at school said about her innocence.. She had on a pair of thick black plastic rimmed glasses that she almost never wore. She was skinny, but not overly so. She was not athletic at all, her clumsiness almost made her handicapped. She was beautiful, and she was my baby sister.


"Hey Jazz. Good morning isn’t it?" She was smiling as she greeted me. She looked down to take another bite of cereal. She looked back up at me to hear my reply to her regular question that I tried really hard not to answer the same way every morning.


"Yes little sister, I think it is." I replied in the closest thing to a happy tone that I could. Her brow creased as she really took in what I had said and how I had said it. She scrutinized my face, my clothes, and my body language to get some insight about why I seemed different. I did try to hide my feelings, but I didn’t do it fast enough. I had been acting pretty much the same since Bella's birthday party three months ago. Both Bella and our Dad, Charlie, had noticed my sudden change in demeanor.

"Jasper, I am 5 minutes younger than you. Give it a rest." She groaned at me. I loved calling her my little sister. It made her angry, and it made me laugh. I smiled cheekily at her and took another bite on my cereal. I would never stop calling her 'little sister'. It was by far and away my favorite moniker for her. I turned my thoughts inward as my breakfast crunched in my mouth.

Before our birthday I was my usual mostly happy self; after I turned into a snappy-grumpy-sad mess of nerves. Sometimes I was just really down. I often noticed that whenever I was sad, it seemed to darken the mood in the whole house. I have been trying to make it up to them, since after those first few weeks when I was a complete mess. I couldn't help it. Everything I had thought I knew got turned on its ass. Everything was different. Okay, not everything. Just the sex of the people I was attracted to.

"What’s up Jasper? What is wrong?" Bella asked her tone laced with concern. I couldn’t tell her. She was involved with the problem! I couldn’t tell her that I wished her boyfriend would bend me over Mr. Banner’s desk in Biology or that I could to that to him. I couldn’t tell her that I wanted aforementioned boy to be on his knees in front of me sucking me off. I couldn’t tell Bella that I wanted to do the same thing to him. Hell I couldn’t even tell Bella that I was gay! I had been trying to do that for since Thanksgiving.

"Nothing Bells, I’m just a little stressed over how I did on finals last semester. Distracted. Sorry you worried." I said looking straight into her brown eyes that I had heard him describe as ‘Bambi eyes.’ as I lied. I felt horrid for lying to her, and to Charlie. I had lied more in the past three months than I have in the past year! Okay, that may be an exaggeration, but you understand. She nodded and kept eating. I had lost my appetite after the thoughts of what I wanted to do with another boy flood my thoughts. It wasn't the content of the thoughts that bothered me anymore, not like at first. It was who I was having them about. I had practically become obsessed with him since we had met.

Since he was dating Bella I got to see him occasionally, and we talked about the normal stuff. Girls, school, and football. I was only interested in two of those three things anymore but I still had stories from before September, so he wouldn't get to suspicious.

I pushed back from the table slowly, hoping to leave the thought behind me. I knew it wouldn’t happen but I couldn’t give up hope. It was all I had anymore. I stood, hands shaking slightly, and pushed the chair back into place. My sister’s eyes were on my hands; her brows knitted together and eyes wide with concern. I ignored her expression and nodded my goodbye as I walked to the sink. I turned the water on hot and methodically washed my bowl and spoon. When I was satisfied with the cleanness of the dish I placed them gently into the drying rack.

I turned to go through the door to the living room but I paused when I saw Bella watching me from the table. I looked over her face; I could feel and see the hurt I have been causing her since our birthday party rolling off of her in deep breaking waves. The weight of what I have done hit me tenfold in that moment. Every single time I snapped at her; every time I raised my voice. All the times that I called her names; every time that I completely ignored her. With that one look from Bella, I know I have to tell her soon. She deserves to know what the hell is going on with me. I doubt I can tell her why though.


I headed back upstairs to my bedroom to dress for the first day back after Christmas Break. It was still freezing in Forks, so I grabbed my zippered hoodie and threw it onto my bed so I could put it on over whatever shirt I threw on. I grabbed a tee shirt at random and held it up. It was black, but it had a large stain on the front. I quickly threw it into the clothes basket by the door and went back to the drawer where I kept the solid colored shirts. I snatched up a navy blue one and grabbed a pair of dark hug-my-ass-but-still-loose jeans to go with them. I threw the clothes on and laced my favorite studded belt threw the loops. I crammed my car keys into my front pocket then too. I tried not to think about him, and how my entire life had changed when Bella introduced us at our birthday ‘party’. It was actually at the traditional Swan family Birthday dinner.

I walked the short distance down the hall to the bathroom Bells and I shared so that I could brush my teeth and hair. I nabbed my blue toothbrush and ran it under the hot water of the sink. I grabbed for my toothpaste and attempted to squeeze it out onto the brush. It wasn't working. I thought about just not brushing my teeth today but I couldn't even hypothetically go through my day like that. I opened the other side of the medicine cabinet. Bella's side was capable of holding much more than mine but she was a girl so she needed more stuff than I did.

I shifted a few feminine products and a bottle of 'Mouthwash' that was more likely peppermint schnapps. That was the way she and I had hid certain beverages in the past. It worked well. It didn't even register on Chief Swan's radar.

I grabbed her toothpaste and grimaced. Bubble Gum. Who in their right mind thought that Bubble Gum flavored toothpaste was a good idea? I mean, after I brush my teeth I want to feel fresh and clean. I don't want to be halfway through brushing and feel like I should be chewing what's in my mouth. I gave up the rant and brushed my teeth with the Bubble Gum paste. I rinsed my mouth with my mouth wash twice and still could not get rid of the nasty taste.

I looked up at my face in the mirror. I was frowning. It was a typical expression for me as of late. My steel gray eyes were narrowed at my mouth; my nostrils were flared in distaste. I wasn't sure if I disliked the tastes mixing in my mouth or the grim frown that it wore. My blond hair was just long enough to cover my ears, and hand into my eyes. My skin was just as flawless as my twins, but it was always slightly tanned. Even here in Forks, Washington, where it is cloudy 350 days of the year. I smiled slightly at myself before I strode back to my bedroom.

As I saw the clock I decided it was time to put my stuff back in my bag. I stacked in the two text books I had brought home, the new notebooks that I would need this semester, and the pack of mechanical pencils that I knew wouldn't last me the month. I shrugged on my hoodie and slung my bag pack on after it.

I heard a horn honk outside, then the back door opening and closing. I knew I shouldn’t go to the window. I knew that if I did I would just stare at him. I could stare to my heart’s content here though, unlike school. No one could see me staring here at home, from my bedroom. Still I tried not to go over to my darkened window. I knew that I would fail soon though. I walked over to the window that faced the back of the house where he always pulled up to pick up Bella.

Sometimes he came inside and talked for a few minutes while Bella finished getting ready. He offered to drive me to school as well the first time he came to get her and after much thought I decided I didn't want to see him and Belly making goo-goo eyes at each other. So I respectfully told him that my sister would remove the manly parts of me if I tried that. The smirk he gave me after that comment gave me the some of the first real material that I could use to jack off to.

He was standing next to the passenger side door, holding it open for her to get in. Even in the murky gray light of this cold morning, he was still beautiful as ever. His face was too far away to make out any of the features, but it was close enough to take my breath and make me wish he was holding the door for me instead. The wind was barely a whisper, but it still blew softly through his hair and around his body. It made me wish that I could be the wind, if only to caress his body.

From my window I could see her stretch up to meet his lips for a quick peck before dropping back down to be flat on her clumsy feet. I wondered briefly how soft his lips would feel pressed firmly against mine but my wandering thoughts quickly focus back on his and Bella’s actions.

She seemed to be loosening his belt and undoing his jeans. He seemed frozen, like he was nervous or scared. I would be to if it was 3 months ago and a girl started undressing me in front of her Daddies house. Then all of the sudden, I couldn’t see Bella's right hand or wrist anymore because they were inside the disheveled haired boys jeans. I sucked in a jealous breath as I kept watching. I saw his eyes fly open and his muscled arm come up and land on her frail bicep. I could see Bella's body pout from my window as her hand was removed from his jeans. I breathed a sigh of relief, as I tried to process what happened.

He wouldn't let her touch him. Was it just because they were outside the house? If they were alone would he have let her continue? Normally Bella and I shared stories, but she hadn't been sharing anything about her current, sexy-as-hell boyfriend. That was out of character for my sister. We were to close not to talk about stuff like that. I mean, we didn't share explicit details, but we did share details. She had been spending a little less time with me than before but that was a choice we both made.

I didn't see the nervous glance at and around the house. I completely missed that he had been justifying his actions to Bella while I was thinking. I didn't miss, however, that his gaze had locked onto my bedroom window. He was staring, completely fixed on my window panes, before he ducked into his shiny new car. I knew that I couldn’t be seen from the outside of the house at all. Even if my room was on the ground floor, and you pressed your face against the glass you still couldn’t see into my bedroom. Even still I froze. Why was he looking up here at my window? I kept thinking.

I turned away from the glass. I was reading way to much into what was going on. I wanted him to be focusing on me for reasons that he wouldn't ever focus on me for. I was Bella's brother. I was extremely protective of the girl. It made since to worry about brothers, I had.

After they had pulled away from the house and headed off toward the school I went back down stairs. I wasn't in much of a hurry though. I have a free period as my first hour, so did he. He only picked Bella up this early because she has English 12 first hour.

I wrote a quick note to Charlie about my detention after school today that I had left from before break. I threw on my tennis shoes in the living room. I wrenched my keys out of my front pocket so that I could lock the door behind myself, but when I turned to head back to the back door I saw Charlie standing at the door with the note in his hand. He was shaking his head in disbelief. He had an amused smile on his face though, so I knew I wasn’t in trouble. We were standing in the middle of the kitchen, him smiling amused and I staring at my feet to hide my smirk.

"Jasper, it's your first day back to school after Christmas. This is the last detention that I am going to let slide." He said in a stern but still amused voice. I nodded and walked past him toward the door to hide the grin that I could feel spread across my face. I turned to go back to him after only a moment my expression serious now.. I may not be able to tell him what’s wrong right now but I can tell him something that won’t ever change for me.

"I love you, Dad." I said, pausing for a brief second to gauge his reaction. Shock and pride were the most dominant of the emotions playing across his face. "That is one thing that will never change for me." I continued "I will always love you, and I will always love Bella. I want you to know that." My resolve wavered as the tears in his eyes nearly spilled over the brim.

He opened his mouth only to close it again a second later. He had his ‘deep in thought’ expression on his face. Charlies' entire face went from thinking to lighting up as a proud smile tore across it, making all of his features stronger.

"I know you do Jasper. It won’t ever change for me either. I will always love you and your sister. No matter what is going on in either of your lives. No matter what, I love you." He said. I knew he was addressing the change in my behavior. I understood he was telling me that, no matter what happens with me, or to me, he would always be there for me. He was telling me he would always be my Daddy.

I saw the shock and pride still on his face as I turned and went down the back steps. I beeped the doors on my car unlocked, and pulled the driver’s side open. Before I climbed inside I turned to scowl at the ground where Bella had been standing only a few minutes ago. I angled myself into the car and reached over my left shoulder to grab the buckle. I fastened myself into the seat and plugged my keys into the ignition and turned the engine over. The soft purr that came from my car calmed some of my anger and most of the nerves that I felt about the new semester.

With my new semesters schedule it would be nearly impossible for me to avoid Bella and her boy at school. I had done a pretty good job the past three months without being to obvious. Lunch was the only thing I had with them all day.

I still wasn’t sure if it was good news or bad news that I would have trouble avoiding the Greek god that walked campus. I wasn’t sure how much mushy stuff between said god and my baby sister I could take. I realized I was still sitting in my driveway, and I started to get everything ready to go.

I straightened the rear view mirror and adjusted the seat. Bella must have driven "Jordyn" last. My car only has a name because my dear sweet little sister thought that since we had matching cars and we were twins that it would be a great idea to ‘name’ them something that went together. I picked Jordyn over Beauregard. Don't get me wrong, I loved Charlie and the Chocolate Factory as a kid, but Beauregard was such a dudes name. There was no fucking way I was kicking my poor car while it was down. Bella named her car Joseph. Jordyn and Joseph, twins in every right, identical inside and out, almost. My car was not the trash collector that Bella's was. I bit back my laughter as I held the break as I braced my right arm on the head rest of the passenger’s seat.

I backed out of the driveway, around Joseph, and I pulled forward into the road in front of Charlies' cruiser. The radio was pushing static through the speakers, so I pressed the button on the dash that would play whatever CD Bella had in here last.

I smiled to myself as Daughtry's cover of the god awful techno bubble gum Lady Gaga pop song 'Poker Face' came on. Did you notice that I don't like bubble gum? I mouthed the words along with the musical male voice filtering threw my car's speakers as I took a left. When the song changed I was fine for a few seconds, before my brain applied it to my actual life. I pressed the next button a little harder than necessary. Again I listened to the country song filter through the car. I barely had a chance to relax, before my brain put the lyrics of this song to my actual life as well. This time I actually hit the button with enough force to jam my index finger. I shook my hand, hoping to shake the pain out of it physically. It didn't work I cursed my stupidity as the piano intro to the next song began.

As the next song on the CD played I sang along. I wasn't actually giving the music much thought, as I drove down the familiar roads. I drummed my fingers as I sang. Then the chorus rang through the speakers as well as my own vocal chords. It was a weightless burden all of the sudden. A worry that I had, had often. Here that worry was, written for such a different reason yet still capturing my problem perfectly.

'Do I turn you on at all when I kiss you baby
Does the site of me wanting you drive you crazy
Do I have your love, am I still enough
Tell me don't I, or tell me do I baby
Give you everything that you ever wanted
Would you rather just turn away and leave me lonely
Do I just need to give up and get on with my life
Baby, do I'

By the time I got to school I had decided to actually physically harm my little sister. I hadn't been paying much attention to the distance I was traveling. I had been aware of the road, but for the life of me I could not remember anything but the blasted song as I pulled into the school parking lot.